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Hospitality

My sons,

We are a relational species. Whether we like it or not, we are wired for connection, for relationship, for feeling. In my younger years I tried to shed that; I tried to argue that intellect and reason were far superior to feeling. I took pride in this.

As I’ve grown over the years, my personality trait scores have drifted. In my youth and well into my early career, I scored very clearly in the INTJ bucket (for those unfamiliar with the Meyers-Briggs personality tests, INTJ is Introvert, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judgment and is pretty much the quintessential engineer). Over time, I drifted from an “I” to an “E” (ie Extrovert), but that was still fine.

But then came trouble.

One fine day, I tested as an ENFJ! Horror of all horrors, I was a feeler! That test had to be wrong. So I took the test again. And again. And a fourth time. And still, ENFJ. I went home from work early that day. I cried inside.

But as the stages of grief kicked through to acceptance, I realized this was actually a natural evolution for me, and a beneficial one at that. That famous quote from Maya Angelou resurfaced in a strong way:

”People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

I realized how true that statement was in my own life, and realized that without knowing it, I had grown into a person that desired to impact people more than I cared to say, do, or build great things. And the best way to do that was to make sure I was thoughtful about how I made others feel.

Thus began my journey to better understand this concept of hospitality.

Understanding hospitality

When I first encountered the term, I thought it applied to the service industry only. As I dove into the concept and read about the giants in the space, my understanding evolved. Reflecting on my experiences, I realized that among my friends there were certain homes that I liked visiting more, and there were certain people that I enjoyed lingering with, laughing with, and simply being around more. It never occurred to me that this was hospitality applied to my social circle.

In his book Unreasonable Hospitality, Will Guidara, former owner of Eleven Madison Park, describes his journey of understanding hospitality. He began by asking many in the service industry a simple question: “What’s the difference between service and hospitality?” He shares one of the best answers that he heard:

“Service is black and white - hospitality is color”.

Love that. Service is about ensuring the napkins are folded properly, that all the children’s toys have been put away, and that all the food is perfectly made, timed, and served. Hospitality is about ensuring that those coming over for dinner know that they belong, are seen, and feel heard. Service is about efficiency, correctness, and promptness, while hospitality is about effectiveness, experience, and connection.

Put in those terms, everyone can be hospitable.

We all live in the mundane, the day to day, in the valleys of life. Hospitality is an opportunity to transport someone to the mountaintop, to elevate their experience, and to make a wonderful memory that lasts. It is an opportunity to bring magic into their lives. It is an opportunity to create a moment that will last in their minds - a moment of pure joy, of perfect alignment, where they’re able to suspend reality, if only for a moment.

Hospitality requires intention

Turns out being hospitable isn’t easy, nor is it natural for most of us. While skill, practice, and environment are all helpful elements, the most important ingredient of hospitality is intention. Intention means that every decision, from the most obviously significant to the seemingly mundane, matters. It is a mindset that begins with a posture that no detail is too small to be ignored, and no task is beneath us.

Being intentional requires focus and effort. It is not easy, nor is it common. It is not obvious, nor is it natural. It requires skill, and it requires practice. It does not have a high barrier to entry. It simply requires a mindset of growth and learning combined with a desire to be the best versions of ourselves that we can be.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to help people. When I was in College, I spent a bunch of my time helping younger students; whether it was being a TA, running study sessions, or just hanging out and showing others the ropes, I spent my time trying to guide and shape others just as some that went before me poured into my life.

One of my advisors gave me some sage advice that has stuck with me to this day. “Sam”, he said, “if you really want to impact others, you’ve got to plan for it. You’ve got to walk to class early, you’ve got to keep a fairly clear schedule, and you’ve got to recognize that none of it will happen on your schedule. You can’t plan when others are going to go through a tough time and need to talk. You can’t predict when a seemingly mundane conversation sparks into an hours-long one where someone bares a part of their soul to you. If you don’t plan for space to be available to others, you will not reach them.”

Every memorable connection that was built during my time in College happened in those spaces. From walking a friend home just to end up chatting until the wee hours of morning about life things to overnight study sessions ending in running outside to catch the sunrise, from standing outside GameStop at 2am waiting for the release of Halo 2 to commiserating with a friend on a deep heartbreak over coffee, each of the magical moments in those years happened because I had the time and space for those moments to happen.

Over the years, I learned that hospitality is about more than just creating space and margin for others; it’s about intentionally thinking about what they need, about how you can show up for them, and how you can bless them. That that requires thoughtfulness and intention.

Hospitality is a virtuous cycle

In our world, there are many vicious cycles out there. Shame, hate, anger, violence, suspicion, just to name a few. In contrast, there are fewer natural virtuous cycles, and far fewer examples of them going around.

Hospitality is an opportunity for us to change that.

Perhaps I’m an optimist, perhaps I’m naive, or perhaps I simply want it to be true, but every time I see a charitable act, a display of hospitality, or a picture of generosity, my soul lifts a little and I’m inspired to do the same, if only a little. But that’s it, isn’t it? By being intentionally hospitable to others, we lift them and everyone around them up just a little. Over time, as these little increases build up, it inspires them to turn around and do the same, if only for one person.

That’s the definition of a virtuous cycle and is exactly the type of thing our world needs.

The more we experience hospitality, the more we are motivated to be hospitable ourselves. The influential thinkers of our age have known this all along. From Aristotle to Confucius, from Ralph Waldo Emerson to David Brooks, all the greats speak about this. In Atomic Habits, James Clear lays this out explicitly:

“You don’t rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems. And your systems are largely shaped by the people and environments you surround yourself with.”

By surrounding ourselves with hospitable people, we shape our systems, our mindset, and our actions to be more hospitable ourselves. By being hospitable, we shape the systems, mindset, and actions of those around us to be more hospitable as well. And maybe just maybe, we can bring a little more magic to our world.